Hello friends! I have been struck with a sudden desire to write a journal, so here I am. Incredibly, this is the first one this year (man I've really as good as quit dA...). I suspect my birthday next week may have something to do with it -- writing a journal is a way of reflecting on how things have been going.
And I just feel like talking to people. But be warned, this will
be rambling. And sad. Birthdays always make me sad.
So... first, the subject of many of my previous journals, the blasted hand. Well, back in October, I had finally found a competent orthopedist, a specialist in hand and arm problems. Turns out, it's "just" an inflamed repeated motion injury. I'm glad it's nothing more serious, as hard as this is to heal anyway. But he also found something much more interesting. Holding down my hand, he moved the ulna (one of the forearm bones) around, and told me, your joints are loose. It's genetic, just the way you're built. You're flat-footed too, right?
You shouldn't do strength exercises at all, he says. No lifting for you.
Well, he was very right. My knees have been wonky since high-school, the kneecaps shifting to the outer sides, not wanting to stay where they're supposed to. The flat-footed-ness. How my toes have been cracking ever since childhood. I'm like a puppet with loose strings, all clattery. The cacophony of cracking I can make is incredible.
Since then, my popping ankle has started to hurt in much the same way as my wrist, making it difficult to walk. Looking at anatomy charts, I'm pretty sure I know which tendon it is, even. My elbows pop too, I'm just waiting for them to start going. My left hand too. It's like, a joint gets uncomfortable and won't bend normally, and I have to do a quick, snapping movement to "pop" the misplaced tendon back in its groove. This, of course, damages the tendon as it rubs against the bone, and eventually gets bad enough that an inflammation begins.
I'll be living with chronic pain that's going to worsen with age all my life, and I'm still trying to come to terms with that.
In my dreams I'm frequently a dragon, cutting through air with my powerful wings, smashing through windows as glass shards harmlessly bounce off my scales, breathing fire down at whatever I don't like.
So, yeah, uh, depressing much? xD My activity is very limited. My hand has been, thankfully, a lot better since I've been committed to resting and stretching it, so I can draw or vidya for an hour or two. Still have to be very careful not to bend the wrist or something, or it'll hurt for days afterwards. I really don't know what to do. I can't get a job. Doing something repetitively for eight or more hours would kill me. Maybe that's inevitable. I'm trying to gently exercise, get the blood flowing, taking alternating hot and cold showers, in hopes that it will help, make me more... mobile. We'll see.
I miss what dA used to be, for me. I used to be so excited to upload art, to show it off, now when I draw it just goes into the pile in the back of my cabinet. Dunno-- this entire thing just lost its appeal, somehow. I was thinking about deleting everything in my gallery, even, but it's fun to look back at it all sometimes. Even if I backed up all the pics, I wouldn't be able to save all the comments and convos on the deviations. :c And those were always the best part, after all.
Oddly enough, despite everything, I've not been in such a bad place mentally. Or not as bad as I were sometimes. I'm kinda just peacefully drifting, doing whatever I can, not getting mad when I can't. Might just be the antidepressants, though, LOL. Still, it's good. Lying in bed and thinking is not physically draining, so that's what I've been doing, and it led me to actually writing some OC stuff. The ten short stories I have may yet end up being chapters. Who knows.
Don't think I haven't been stalking all of ye. >3> Here, and on Tumblr and Facebook for those I have there. BUT ANYWAY. Whether you read all of the crap above, or just scrolled to the bottom, SAY HI AND TALK TO ME. Tell me what's crackin'. How's life been treating you?